It's All My Fault

I've read semi-recent "professional" books, idiotic publications, and pseudo-scientific journal articles that try to jab mothers of autistics as the primary instigators of this neurological condition.

Ever since John was small, and we went to seek professional help with some concerns, there has consistently been a substantial amount of people in our society who believe that his autism is my fault.

I find this an utterly fascinating response.  I really do.  

I continuously battle with society's insults: 

Vaccines gave your child autism...you should have avoided vaccines, dummy!

If you would have taken more vitamin D and folic acid when you were pregnant, this could have been avoided.

If you would just do more at home with your child, you wouldn't have this problem.

You're labeling your child and it's not fair for him...you're ruining his life.

You're too hard on your child and that's why he behaves in a certain way.

You spend so much time with your autistic child, his sibling must feel neglected.

Even though this is "Refrigerator Mother", Bruno Bettelheim garbage, I can't escape a societal drift that is causing this stuff to seep into people's brains.  Not only do many people believe this stuff, they enjoy believing it.  It's MOM'S FAULT.

So, what if all of this is true?  What if I had avoided vaccines?  Taken two prenatal vitamins instead of one?  Spent more rigorous time engaging John in social play?  Avoided telling everyone about my concerns?  Let him do what he wanted to do?  Put Ella in the spotlight more?

Well, maybe-- just maybe, my kids would be better off.  Who knows?

Here's a story that helps me feel better:

I was sitting a school IEP meeting discussing a concern.  John had a particularly difficult morning because the water bottle I put in his backpack was not screwed on right and it spilled everywhere.

"It was my fault" I admitted to the IEP team.  I was clearly beating myself up.

The principal looked over at me and with the tone ONLY a mother could use said, "EVERYTHING is our fault.  Just remember this."  And suddenly all the mothers in the IEP meeting burst out in agreement.  

AMEN, sista'.

Here's another story:

I was waiting in line to see Elder David A. Bednar who was visiting our church last month.  John was sitting on the curb and Ella was standing beside me.  I met a very cheerful woman and her husband in line.  I quickly learned that she was a grandmother.  She looked at the snacks that I prepared for the kids and said.  "WOW!  Look at those healthy snacks! Good for you, Mom!" I felt very proud.

She explained that she was a nutritionist and that her kids ALWAYS had healthy snacks when they were little.  She told me how much her kids would hate all the healthy things she packed for them.

"We all traumatize our kids just a little bit, it keeps them humble." she said as she gave a jolly laugh. 

Yesterday, John stood up in sacrament meeting to share his testimony in front of the congregation.  "I'd like to share my testimony about Moms,"  he said.  "We should help our moms this week.  I think Moms are great, and they help us do a lot of stuff.  They help us be great."  And then he proudly sat down.  

I was really surprised, grateful, and worried people thought I forced him to say that!  But I didn't force him.  He said it on his own.

So I'm going to soak that up and brag about it too.  And hopefully we'll avoid too much of this:

p.s. - Ella is going to be in the Nutcracker in December.  WE. CAN'T. WAIT.