"Are you guys gonna have any more kids?"

I read an article this morning of a mother who has an autistic son. She used the word "stoppage" when she spoke about having more children. She spoke about her struggle having an autistic child and her fear of having any more kids.

Adam and I talk about having more children sometimes. What if we have another autistic child? What if it's worse?

We were married about a year before getting pregnant with John. I remember the day we found out. We were jumping up and down so excited for this new adventure.

Then John came. A very serious little young man. Everyone around us was amazed at his seriousness. He reminded me of a wise old man. Grandpa even said, "He makes you work for his smiles." And he stayed that way for years. He would never communicate freely...it was always work to get him to talk. Gogo even wondered if he was deaf.

One particular night started me on a mission to find answers. For a few nights, John would wake up screaming, SCREAMING.

Now, mothers know their baby's screams. Sometimes they're tired. Sometimes they're hungry. Mothers can mostly figure out what each scream means. At this point John was 2 1/2 years old...and very capable of talking.

This scream was different than all the others. It sounded like he was being tortured...literally. I've never heard John scream like that before - even until now. Of course I was freaking out, trying to make sure no one was coming into his bedroom at night and hurting him. We were living with Adam's parents at the time.

Well, I was rocking him and getting angry. Why wouldn't he just talk to me? I kept asking him if he had "owies" and he wouldn't respond. I couldn't figure out the problem. As the screaming went on I took him downstairs and right out into the backyard. I was pregnant with Ella and trying to hold my heavy toddler. I said, "John, John...look!" and I pointed up at the stars.

He stopped immediately. I said, "Heavenly Father made all those stars and he watches over us." He gazed up with his tear-filled eyes and took a deep breath."

"He will help you," I continued.

We looked up at the stars for quite a while. I felt peace come to me.

I knew at that moment, there was much more to John than just being a serious little boy.

I found out the next day he had a double ear infection.

This wasn't a one time ordeal. Almost every time John is hurt, he is unable to tell us what is wrong. Even now. He usually just screams. So we have to try and figure out what it is....it's like having a newborn - that is 5 years old.

I think Adam and I still feel like we have a newborn in our house.

I have to admit, though, John has been making remarkable improvements. And he's starting to really communicate his needs. Through diet and therapy, John is becoming so independent. Adam and I are finally feeling the relief of that independence.

And Ella has been a huge contributor to his growth. She is fantastic. I'm so proud of her tolerance and patience. She came amidst this storm and she has endured it all. She has been one of the biggest blessings this family has ever had. She has taught this family love and kindness, not to mention dedication.

Despite the heartaches, pains, stress, sleep loss, frustration, anger and worry...I know we made the right decision to have John AND Ella. And I hope our future decisions (whether to have more kids or not) are the right ones for our family. I'm just so glad for the freedom to be able to write about this and more especially for the freedom to choose.